TWILIGHT SAGA 5 MOVIE COLLECTION

Ah, Twilight. Mix together random elements of Anne Rice, Anita Blake and devout Mormonism, add some horribly wooden acting, and finish off with a story that spends more time on teen romance than vampire stuff.This is the winning formula for the hit movie pentalogy "The Twilight Saga," five movies chronicling the overwrought romance of a creepy century-old vampire and a completely self-obsessed plank of wood. It's the stuff of a thousand teenage girls' fan-fiction fantasies, and somehow the plotlessness and tedium of Stephenie Meyer's original books are amplified by the conversion into cinema.Our heroine is Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), who is mopey and emo about having to move to the gloomy town of Forks... until she focuses like a laser on the local hot rich bad-boy, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). And after he saves her from a car, she figures out his secret: he's a vampire. A sparkling vampire. Who doesn't drink human blood, and belongs to a close-knit vampire "family." How cute and cozy.But their budding relationship is thrown into turmoil when an evil vampire decides to hunt Bella, and draws her into a dangerous trap. Then things get even worse when Edward and his family depart Forks. So Bella starts doing dangerous sports that allow her to hear Edward's voice, when she isn't hanging out with hunky werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner). But a mistaken vision leads Edward to believe Bella is dead -- and soon HE might be if Bella doesn't stop him.Of course, the werewolf and vampire vie for Bella's attentions, even as an old enemy attacks the vampires of Forks so it can get to Bella (who is apparently the center of the universe). But even the long-awaited marriage of Edward and Bella doesn't make things peaceful at last -- on their Brazilian honeymoon, they conceive a superpowerful, blood-drinking vampire baby. And of course, this brings the wrath of another angry vampire group down on them: the Volturi, law-enforcers of the vampire world."The Twilight Saga" is a teenager's dream of vampire romance -- hot smoldering teen boys, magic powers, a swooning damsel who never does anything for herself, and clumsy references to classic literature. That fantasy element is what gives the story a lot of its appeal... and if those things don't appeal to you, then the story's flaws begin jutting out like so many broken bones.Quite simply, the story is tedious and mostly predicated on teen romance -- "Eclipse" in particular has virtually no story except two boys feuding over Bella, while "Breaking Dawn Part 1" torturously covers every single detail about the wedding that nobody cares about (including several minutes of unfunny toasts). It's also hampered by some of the corniest romantic dialogue you can imagine ("I could never let go of you. I just couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist"), and many moments that succeed in being unintentionally funny (anytime the vampires run is pure comic gold).I will give credit where it's due to many of the directors, who attempt to add action and drama to the story -- actual battle scenes, onscreen fights between vampires and werewolves -- but they're swimming against the tide. And for a series called a "saga," it's remarkable how small and unimportant the story is -- everything boils down to teen melodrama in a small town, without even a real fight against the villains of the piece.It also has fairly consistent -- consistently bad -- characters and acting. Kristen Stewart is only capable of one kind of performance -- a twitchy, awkward, lip-biting mumblefest -- and she gives a prime example of what she can (and can't) do in this story. Of course, it doesn't help that Bella is one of those characters who is only likable if a viewer identifies with her, and comes across as a conniving, gold-digging, self-important, sad-sack load otherwise. Even her magical "best vampire ever" transformation fails to make her seem like anything but a shallow, whiny burden.Robert Pattinson does the best that he can with Edward Cullen, but he sometimes looks visibly pained by playing a a creepy stalked with some very odd sexual issues. Taylor Lautner likewise gives an awkward but earnest enough performance as the werewolf Jacob, and most of the other actors range from forgettable (Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz, Jackson Rathbone) to likable enough that I wished I were seeing a movie about them instead (Nikki Reed, Billy Burke, and the utterly delightful Michael Sheen).For teen daydreams, "Twilight Saga 5 Movie Collection" is an effective story of brooding controlling vampire hotties. For anyone seeking a story with action, drama and interesting characters, look elsewhere.