A General Theory of Love (Vintage)

I came to "A General Theory of Love" through a recommendation by a leading personal coach and emotional intelligence expert. Having read it, I understand why he thought so highly of this book.The title sounds almost contradictory, yet the authors really do elucidate the nature of love, how it is enabled and how it is suppressed. They eloquently explain how humans are essentially emotional animals, no matter how evolved our logical brains have become. They describe how this has enormous impact on how we make choices in our lives about all manner of things, in our almost blind pursuit of happiness.This book should be high on the reading list of anyone who wants to better understand the nature of human relationships of any kind. It offers insight into the reasons for feelings and behaviours of individuals, whether in partner relationships, friendships or the workplace. Perhaps more valuably, it explains the impact of parents, partners and society on the development of a person's ability to form loving relationships and to have emotional stability, more generally.The authors make their points eloquently throughout the book, citing plenty of academic research to validate their arguments. For those inclined to further research any aspects, there are references aplenty."A General Theory of Love" is beautifully written. I would recommend this book to existing or budding parents, actual or potential lovers and indeed, human beings in any culture or society.

Whilst indisputably a 'popular' book, this is also quite academic, in many regards, not shying away from fairly detailed descriptions of brain activity, structure and so forth. And all the better for it!The book explains the brain biochemistry and physiology of how mammals, and humans in particular, form attachments, modify their behaviour, develop emotionally, and generally go about their psychological lives.Based on careful science (the three authors are all practicing therapists of varying types, and academics), the central premise is that positive SOCIAL interaction between mammals isn't just a nice thing that enriches life and brings warm fuzzy feelings, but is in fact absolutely critical for the healthy PHYSICAL development and wellbeing of all mammals.The book explains in detail how even simple 'social' interactions like regular eye contact and bodily physical contact contribute substantially and directly to the healthy regulation of BIOLOGICAL systems in the body, such as respiration.Crucially, though, it also explores how the long-term mental health and psychological wellbeing of individuals is equally impacted by apparently purely physical interactions.Fascinating and at times startling, I'd highly recommend this to anybody interested in positive psychology, general wellbeing and happiness. It sits alongside books like Goleman's Emotional Intelligence as a powerful contribution to steering society forward.Forget about the fluffy 'how to smile in the morning' self-help books, read this instead!

This is a very well written, seminal book which everyone should read. Written by three psychiatrists of three different generations, it banishes to history the creepy, dark world imagined by Freud, and also that of pure observation of the behaviourists. A metaphor used towards the end of the book puts it well, that of the understanding of the planets for centuries before the telescope. A planetary system had been devised with a great number of redundant planets to take account of patterns which were not understood. It was usable up to a point, but ultimately and fundamentally wrong.The book sets out clearly and comprehensibly a framework for understanding our emotions, of how we are enabled to realise and 'regulate' ourselves through them.It builds on the insights of neuroscience, which tell us that the brain is formed from before birth and into childhood and beyond, its neural paths developing to reflect not only the language and customs of the society into which a child is born, but 'hard wiring' its sense of human relatedness and capacity to relate to others and love them. The structure outlined is generally well constructed on the science and also other great insights from literature. It stresses the importance of good interactions especially with mothers to enable the child to develop a healthy sense of itself and its interactions with the world.The case is well made, but on the basis of historical evidence, I wonder if it is overstated. The paradigm of family relations seems to be parents and a small number of children - the nuclear family, after the development of domestic labour saving devices which released women from the very time consuming work of washing, cleaning and preparing food and making clothes, and before the widespread movement among women out of the home, back to full time work. At one point the authors say 'young American children once spent most of their days with their mothers and many no longer do..' If 'American children' means children of the families of the European invasions, this may be true to a point, but until a short period in the twentieth century most families were extended families with grannies and single adult relations of varying degrees of kinship living in the household. Other adults might have had the care of children in many cases. The high level of maternal death meant that many children were reared by other relatives not their mothers and if a mother did survive, it was to have more children. In large families, younger children were often cared for by older siblings. I do not know the literature, but many large families do not appear to create competition between siblings for affection in some zero sum game, but rather multiply its power between them.'Western' families long since gave up the habit of carrying the youngest baby strapped to the mother as she went to work to find or farm or prepare food or market it. What the impact of this very old tradition had on babies and what the impact was of being put down when a new sibling was born, is not referred to or discussed here.A thought and emotion provoking book.

This book is amazing, only half way through but it's definitely one of the most comprehensive books I've ever read. Goes into the brain, neuroscience, old experiments, it is great

The most amazing, revealing and beautifully written book that I have so far read.Genuinely revealing and changes the way I shall relate to others.Highly, highly recommended.

I borrowed my friends copy of this book several years ago, and thought it was excellent. It explores why people feel how they do, and how they interact. I don't want to say too much, because I haven't re-read it yet, but I've been looking for a copy on and off for years in bookshops, and I'm delighted to have got my own copy now.