The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Hurts You the Worst Paperback – March 7, 2023

This book does an amazing job at helping a betrayed spouse understand the chaotic and conflicting emotions swirling around them after the discovery of their spouse's betrayal, providing validation and comfort, and explaining why all of these feelings are absolutely normal and can be expected.Michelle Mays looks at betrayal through the lens of attachment, as our attachment system is the very thing that connects us with anyone in our lives, and how betrayal causes a break in the attachment bond to the person we're closest with, shattering trust, and leaving a betrayed partner feeling unsafe and violated. It's that break in the relational bond that leads to those emotions that can make a betrayed partner feel crazy: "I want to be comforted by the person I'm closest to. But the person I'm closest to is unsafe and I need to get away from them!" This is what Mays calls attachment ambivalence, and her explanation and normalization of this part of healing from betrayal is so thoughtfully explained and helps comfort the reader. Reading about the entire attachment process in our lives, and how our attachments can be disrupted with betrayal, throwing us into the cycle of ambivalence, made so much sense to me, and helped me feel like I wasn't crazy.The other part I found the most profound and helpful was her six phases of the Braving Hope process. Here she describes the six phases betrayed partners go through on the path to healing. Like anything else, it's not always linear for each person, but the descriptions and stated goals of each phase were distinct and I could identify my own timeline within many of those phases. (I'm definitely not at the last two phases yet myself.)I also appreciated that this book is written for both those who choose to stay and rebuild their relationship, as well as those who choose to leave and heal on their own. There's no pressure in the book to choose one way or the other, and support is provided for either path, as well as for those who are just choosing to not make a choice for now. Too often books on betrayal tend to focus on just rebuilding the relationship or starting over. Both are acceptable choices here, and the focus of this book is primarily focused on healing yourself, regardless of which choice you make, because whether you stay or go, you will still have to go through the grief and healing regardless.The Betrayal Bind provides a thoughtful analysis of the human attachment system and why betrayal hurts so much because of that system, and ends with a clear, detailed roadmap on the steps to move through the pain and trauma and find healing for yourself. My only suggestion would be to add a companion workbook for betrayed partners to use when working through the six phases.

This book was recommended to me, and I gladly recommend it to others. The author creates a framework to actually talk about the pain of infidelity. I didn't have these concepts or words even for my own thoughts. It is such a relief to receive explanations for the push-and-pull feelings infidelity causes.I do wish the author could write a book for those who did not have the choice to stay or go. This book is written on the premise that the betrayal was fairly recent and that the reader is choosing or has chosen to either work on the relationship or leave it. I am very grateful for the framework, terms, and concepts this book provides for working through the hurts and wounds. However, not everyone who experiences infidelity has that choice. Sometimes the betrayer leaves for an affair partner, and sometimes the betrayer denies regardless of proof, then uses the betrayed partner's emotional reaction to justify ending the marriage. Perhaps one day the author can write a book expanding the concepts to situations where the betrayed did not choose to stay or go, or receive closure of an acknowledgment. Perhaps that book could be more about healing from an old wound than a recent occurrence.It is an amazing book, and I am gaining a great deal from it. Not sure if I am fully the target market.

This book was extremely helpful even if you're not going through a deep betrayal yourself because the insights that Mays provides on addiction and attachment theory are useful to anyone. I appreciated reading about her own story and how that informs her professional work and you get a strong sense of this throughout the book as she writes with deep insight and empathy. Even though it deals with a very hard subject, the book overall is hopeful. Not in a "wish it and make it so" simplicity, but in a grounded manner that shows, both from the research and Mays own experience over the years working with couples in this field, that there is a way forward, even if you think your world has come to an end.Overall, I found it one of the best books of its type I've ever read simply because of that combination of the science behind it all, combined with a voice that is both caring and optimistic and at times, even fun. Most books like this should be articles: They may have a great point or two, but then a lot of fluff to fill out the rest of the book. Not so here. Every chapter adds some new insight of great value. If I had one issue with the book, it might be that: There is just so much good information here that you can't digest it all too quickly. You need to process it as you go and realize just how important and helpful the insights are here. A great book that I'm glad I read because it will help me tremendously when dealing with friends who have been or are going through such forms of betrayal.

Very helpful for understanding yourself, your emotions, and the reasons it happens.

Betrayal trauma is so complex, and I struggled so much to articulate what I was feeling following partner betrayal, but this book right here...it's like the author literally pulled out everything I was feeling and experiencing. I've never felt so seen in my life. I can't recommend this book enough if you've experienced infidelity.I will say, this book will bring out so many emotions. I'm normally pretty good at pushing through the tough stuff, but there were multiple occasions where I had to put it down and come back a few days later because it was so deep and intense. It took me a few weeks to finish simply for that reason, but its beyond worth it.