The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse (The Narcissism Series) Paperback – December 6, 2017

Bingo! At last, bingo! I get it. With Debbie Mirza’s book I have finally been able to put together the last pieces of the complex, tangled jigsaw puzzle I’ve been piecing together through several years of psychotherapy. Everything fell into place when I read her book. Finally, finally I was able to read about MY experiences, MY own truth about being in intimate relationships with covert passive-aggressive narcissists—a perfect term for them.I’d often suspected narcissism lay behind their behavior, but when I’d read about narcissists as defined in the DSM or other books, things didn’t quite fit. But in Mirza’s book, all the pieces fit.I am a softhearted empath always ready to rescue anyone (or any living being) with love and compassion. I’m open and easily make myself vulnerable in an attempt to reach true loving communication with my other. That strength was turned against me by intimate others who needed to put me down so they could be in control, get things their way, get their needs met, my needs of no matter and unmet.It was so confusing! My intimates were the joy of my heart, one of them the love of my life, but then without warning, they would shun me, withdraw affection, gaslight me into thinking I’d done something terrible. I had no idea what I’d done to cause them to behave this way. But the truth is, I did NOT “cause” them to be emotionally abusive toward me. It was all about them, their inner demons, their needs, especially their need to keep me under their thumb so they could get their way and feel powerful rather than weak and insecure, which is how they truly felt. There is nothing I ever did to deserve this emotionally abusive treatment. It was not about me. It was all about the squirellyness going on inside them. I finally got it.Not a single other person who knew my intimates would ever suspect any of them were capable of emotionally abusive behavior. To the rest of the world, they were accomplished, lovely people. Covert abuse is the exact right term. Their facades were flawless.I understand my complicity—that my empath’s need to rescue and help others with love and kindness filled a need I had when I sought to rescue and help the narcissists in my life, whom I did love—a love each was incapable of reciprocating because they truly don’t get what love is. I understand now how I got into these painfully confusing relationships. I understand how I was the perfect target for their self-serving power plays.I also see myself clearly. I know who I am, and I am not who they tried to make me think I was when their gaslighting found me wanting. I am a thoroughly good and kind human being capable of love and caring. I am enough, just as I am, worthy of love and respect--at all times, not just the manipulative sweet times.This book helped me put all the pieces together. I was almost there on my own after years of psychotherapy, but this book showed me how the last pieces fit together and glued them in place. Thank you, Debbie Mirza.Last comment: Psychotherapists need to read this book. Out of five therapists over the past twelve years, only my current one clued me into “It’s not about YOU; this is on the other.” She recognized their unacceptable behavior, saw me for who I am, and guided me toward insights I needed into my intimate others and into myself. With my other therapists, the focus was on me fixing me, me “getting in touch with my emotions,” me learning to be “assertive,” me changing my attitude by keeping "a gratitude journal," me accepting that “this is the way a lot of men are” and I needed to deal with it—when what needed fixing was me getting out of these relationships sooner than ASAP and finding the freedom to be who I am.Getting out of the crazy-making relationship is the only way forward. There is no changing a covert narcissist. Heaven only knows, I tried. And failed, in my first marriage and in my second. I'm 82 now, and I've never been happier in my whole life just being me, unencumbered by intimate others who professed to love me but then would emotionally devastate me without warning or cause. I hope this book helps younger women get out of crazy-making relationships sooner than I was able to.I couldn’t put the book down. I underlined, highlighted, wrote notes in the margins, circled paragraphs, dashed off huge exclamation points. This book is going to help a lot of women.

This book. Stopped me in my tracks. Gave voice and shed light on pain I didn’t even have the wits about me to recognize was in my system. It changed my relationship to my parents forever, including the ability to distance myself and just see ‘bad behaviors’ for what they were. It came at the perfect time; I found it on a whim (divinely guided I’m sure). If you’ve wondered if a loved one or relation is narcissistic, but the descriptions you’ve read hasn’t quite allowed you to feed confident, this book should help. I love that I got to read it privately, and didn’t need to tell anyone about it, but it helped me IMMENSELY.

I’ve listened to 3 hours in one night. I spent 30 years on and off with someone then married them and got divorced and she recently came back again and left . I’m so blown away at how every single thing she did and I felt aligned with this book Unfortunately I don’t get to give everyone around me this to read to see it and it doesn’t make me feel validated or better. I’m still a wreck from it all but at least it’s something one day I can accept to never let her in again

Well, as a guy it might seem strange to hear that I was married to a narcissistic person because most of the time, the narcissism is from a male victimizing a female. Thats just usually what I have learned happens. But, I am guessing that there are tons more covert narcissistic people out there that are female and its not usually recognized. So, this book was an eye opener. I knew for years she (ex) had passive aggressive problems but never understood the disdain, even hatred, towards me and blaming me and projecting onto me traits that no one else could see (except those she influenced, I.E. our kids). Eventually when I caught her in a bunch of lies about another man and the marriage imploded, then I knew that I needed help to figure out if it was me or her. In some sense its always both, but in this case the victimization was clear because I was not the one lying and having secret relationships and then saying there was nothing wrong with that. So, the book has helped me tons in recognizing that you can get through a divorce and then find someone that is healthy, and YOU can be healthy as well. I recommend this book, and CoDependency No More amongst others, but also say GET THERAPY AND COUNSELING from a real therapist. Books will help you only so much, but along with books--getting a good person to talk to (therapist who specializes in narcissism like I did) to get through it is a must. Cant overstate that.Why a "4" star for the book? I say this in part because it comes off at first and even from the cover/title that this is a "professional" book by a therapist and if I was the one writing and publishing it--I would couple this book with a solid therapeutic/clinical authors thoughts too. This book, however its more from a personal perspective from what I can see where Ms. Mirza talks about what she has learned with her own experiences. The fact that she is a "life coach" means she isnt a therapist and she expressly says this in the book and on her FB group as well. The bottom line is if you read this, make sure you follow up your reading with counseling and therapy from someone who actually knows what narcissism is and not someone just floating the catch term/phrase about as an author or "counselor" or whomever. Gaslighting and narcissism are hot topics these days and in some sense the latest and greatest psychological fad as well. Previously it was "co-dependency" and the books written about that have come under fire after more research has been done on if it is even a "real" thing. Take what is written here from her perspective as someone who went through something bad, not once but a few times, and take what you can from it. But this isn't a DSM type of book where you find concrete therapeutic evidences from testing etc. It comes from a personal perspective and her own research, and there's quite a few books like this online.I, myself was a counselor for years stuck in a dysfunctional marriage and family system that I brought upon myself in many ways. The bottom line for me was realizing that when the lying and cheating started, I did nothing to stop it but say "hey, stop doing that" which for my ex wife--she could have cared less. That's narcissism 101, its all about me and I can make whatever excuse for hurting someone else look like I'm the victim, not them. My mistake: not packing my bags like the first therapist told me to when he had told me during counseling "you know, I married a woman just like your wife". When I asked him what he did to resolve the issues this was his answer: "I divorced her". I was too intimidated and shell shocked to do what I needed to do: not only say "no" but follow it up with actions and an appropriate response to being cheated on and lied to for years. I was weak and a coward.Books like this one are to give the reader strength and to get some kind of perspective on how another person has went through what you are going through, but its not a clinical book per se its an empathetic book that says "you are not alone".Be careful getting on social media as well with "support groups". How many of those I joined in response to reading this book to find that they were filled with hateful people and at times predators who were mentally ill. Get help. Real help. Use these stories and others like them to give some comfort to the fact you're not alone in this.

Great book!!!