Hold Me Tight

I have absolutely no connection with the author, only a desire to contribute to others. Curious as to who writes these reviews, I'm 56, male, my wife surprised me by divorcing me after a 20 year marriage, and have two children in college. I have two graduate degrees and read a far amount of self-help books. Sue Johnson's book may truly be the best relationship book I've ever read, as it will forever change my understanding of relationships for the better. This book is interesting and clear, balancing anecdotes with straightforward descriptions of her conceptual observations. According to Johnson, she gained her novel and deep insights from watching, and watching and re-watching videos of couples struggling in therapy using the best previously known tools. She listened to couples describe their relationship using "life and death" language. The existing tools, such as analysis and insights regarding childhood relationships, how to be reasonable, mirroring listening skills, and negotiation training, didn't seem to work. Building on others' insights, Johnson came up with what she calls EFT: "Emotionally Focused Therapy." The thesis is that all people, including successful intellectuals, seek at the core of their relationship emotional attachment and safety. There are key negative and positive emotional moments that define the relationship. Seems mundane, but yet as I read the book, I found myself getting so many gems and Ah-Ha's that my copy is now underlined with post-its sticking out the side. I got tremendous insight, not only into my pain and struggles and my girlfriend's, but tools on how to repair emotional injuries and connect better. The book is composed of seven conversations that are aimed at encouraging a special kind of emotional responsiveness described as the key to lasting love for couples. This emotional responsiveness has three main components with the acronym "ARE:" Accessibility (Can I reach you?); Responsiveness (Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?); & Engagement (Do I know you will value me and stay close?) Johnson claims great success with therapy using the EFT model and I believe it. She describes three typical patterns that couples often get stuck in: (1) Find the Bad Guy; (2) The Protest Polka; and (3) Freeze and Flee. The first and third are pretty self-descriptive. Johnson describes The Protest Polka as the most widespread and ensnaring, involves one person reaching out, albeit in a negative way, the other person withdrawing and the pattern repeating. I immediately saw that I often play the role of the protester, trying to get a reassuring connection, followed by feeling worse when my partner withdraws. I'm now more than two-thirds through this book and am now finishing the chapter on the fifth conversation--Forgiving Injuries. Even if the remainder of this book is dribble, what I've read so far leaves me confident recommending it. On a side note, I've been trained in Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communications," also known as NVC, or "Compassionate Communications." Raised by two science oriented parents, I became a husband, father and attorney that was clueless regarding emotions. I believed that negative emotions were enemies and obstacles to higher living. When I stumbled across NVC around the age of 40, I suddenly learned, for the first time in my life, the very helpful role of negative emotions, and now consider them to be good friends, albeit still challenging. Negative emotions provide indicators of the needs that are wanting. NVC helped me tremendously and heartily recommend that as well. I have the 2008 version of "Hold Me Tight; Seven Conversations . . . " by Sue Johnson

This book truly helped me realize my faults in my relationship and learn how to better communicate and practice emotional intelligence. Such a great read!!

I highly recommend this book for anyone seeking to improve their relationship, especially for those who feel caught in cycles of fighting that seem irreparable. Johnson has research-approved strategies for understanding yourself and your partner and re-establishing a loving and secure connection. She does a great job of including the underlying psychology of relationships, easy-to-understand explanations of emotions and relationship dynamics, examples of other couples to help show her point, and practical tips for improving your own relationship. The book includes a lot of questions and activities for couples to work through together, which have been instrumental in helping my partner and I reconnect and mend rifts. I have a background in psychology and spend a lot of time trying to understand myself and my relationships, so many relationship books have felt too elementary and basic for me. Johnson notes that most relationship advice focuses on communication - how to construct your words perfectly to avoid ruffling feathers - which does little to resolve underlying issues. Research on traditional couples therapy also shows pretty abysmal results. In contrast, Johnson's method, which was revolutionary at the time, focuses instead on your feelings of connection, safety, and trust. It doesn't matter exactly how you frame things if you feel safe and loved by your partner. Her method is backed by research - there are some pretty astounding numbers showing that her method works to improve relationships! My personal experience backs these statistics - my partner and I are fighting less, we have a stronger foundation, we understand each other so much better, and our love feels deeper and stronger. When we do feel a bit stuck, we turn to the book and Johnson offers us a way out. Instead of ending arguments feeling bitter, disconnected, and resentful, we wind up feeling more connected and loving. Thank you Sue Johnson!

The book is really excellent. But listening to it on the CD, was not such a great experience. Very poorly edited, feels like it is read by a computer. I am looking forwards to read it.

Excellent book for women and/or men. For anyone in a relationship; whether it’s been a long term or short term relationship and you’re looking to reconnect. You’ll get out of it however much you put into it (the book and your relationship)

No esperaba que estuviesen todas las hojas marcadas con resaltador rosa y escrituras. Demasiado usado para haber dicho que estaba en buenas condiciones.

I ordered but I didn’t check de whole book and when I got there appeared this :( . I hope you don’t get the same

A really good book for anyone in a relationship or working with relationships who's interested in how relationships can work better, it's equally good for self-help or for a helper. This book takes a very different approach from (e.g.) 'Fighting for your Marriage' (Howard Markman) or John Gottman's books. It's based on attachment theory which Johnson explains simply and clearly in just a few pages. Her approach is to define the self-perpetuating 'Demon Dialogues' partners get locked into, and to help the partners firstly to recognise that it's the 'demon dialogue' that's the enemy in the relationship rather than their partner, and secondly how to work together to stop the Demon Dialogue and to build constructive dialogues instead. An easy read, human and humane, very highly recommended.